The Startling Power of Fear

PHOTOGRAPHED BY WILLIAM STITT

“While I was fearing it, it came,
But came with less of fear,
Because that fearing it so long
Had almost made it dear.
There is a fitting a dismay,
A fitting a despair.
’T is harder knowing it is due,
Than knowing it is here.
The trying on the utmost,
The morning it is new,
Is terribler than wearing it
A whole existence through.”

— Emily Dickerson, 1830-1886

Let's face it. The end could come tomorrow. Yes, the real end. The mind-numbing, debilitating, I-knew-this-day-would-come end and you and I would accept it just as we accept the rising sun. 

What would happen if you made your worse fears a possibility today and embraced them? You would swallow every ounce of that fear and sleep like a baby tonight because you have come to grips with that fear as a possible reality and now there is nothing else to do but go to sleep. 

A few years ago, after accepting a job in New York, I had a lot of unknown fear feelings. I had never lived in the another state before, I had never lead a team of people before, I had never managed before, and I was leaving a man I just met (who turned out to be my husband) uncertain if the new relationship would survive. These facts created an uneasy feeling of "oh, crap" what the heck am I doing? But in the midst of the downward spiral, I took a few breaths and remembered this was of my choosing. I was choosing to become a person who enjoyed the unknown, challenges, and the mystery that unfolds when you just roll with life's plan. 

PHOTOGRAPH BY ROB BYE

Why? Because it all works out in the end. 

The fear reminded me of the risk I was taking and how choosing to live could work out in my favor. The fear prepared me for the unknown; it coaxed me to be alert, aware of my new surrounds, and purposeful in my dealings. Today, I look back on my experience in New York with pride, everything did not go as expected but I had the time of my life.

The startling power of fear is the awareness it brings to a situation, your muscles tighten, throat dries, fingers tingle, heart speeds up, and you remember what it feels like to be alive. 

The Secret to 2018

PHOTOGRAPH BY EVGENIA ARBUGAEVA

Decide Who You Are

Deciding who you are is the tipping point to maneuvering through the madness of life. You need to go ahead and decide who you are – period. If you like to dance, dance. If you are secretly fascinated by celebrity culture, blog. If you want to be an artist, buy a camera or use your phone, paint, or write. But get off that fence and do something. Decide. The sooner you do this, the sooner you will find out if this path is right for you or not and from there you can make new decisions. 

Take No Prisoners

The Kardashians will be the Kardashians, Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook founder) will be Mark, so you must be you. There's no sense in waiting for the tide to roll in your favor, go out and create your luck. You do this by holding nothing back each day. Leave nothing on the table this year! 

Know What You Want

Why did you not get a lump of coal for Christmas? Because that is not what you wanted and I bet knowing you, you got exactly what you wanted. Why? Because you knew what it is you wanted. The same magic works in life. If you want a different, fuller, more amazing life, know what that looks like. Paint the picture in your mind. Then, pursue only the activities that move you closer to what YOU said YOU wanted. 

Envy No One

This ask may be hard to digest seeing your Instagram newsfeed, and Facebook timeline is 24/7 but what if this year you decided to want the things you have and work for the things you want.  The outcome will be empowering as well as life-changing.  

Compete with Yourself

I want to be a better writer. I will not become a better writer by competing, stalking, or hating on writers that are better than me. I will become a better writer by competing with my last work, by challenging the way I view the world, and by writing. Your only hope in outworking your competition is by doing the WORK. Then, let the chips fall where they may and if they don't fall in your direction, TRY AGAIN. 

Happy New Year, Friend! 

Get my latest book project START YOUR MOVEMENT: A 5-Step Guide to Creating Purposeful Results in Life and Community for free by subscribing to my newsletter here. 

Facebook: The Creators Rebel and You and I Are Caught in The Middle

As if the time suck wasn't enough, Facebook's minions are turning on the mother host. It's like one of those bad sci-fi movies. The offsprings, smelling blood in the water, or in Facebook's case, an opportunity to capitalize, are now speaking out. We heard from Sean Parker and now Chamath Palihapitiya, the companies former vice president of user growth, about the human complexity that is before us if we choose to be humans that frequent social networking sites. 

For starters, Chamath's comments were harsh, but that's what makes them excellent reading material and a viral sensation. Yes, we know that Facebook is "eroding the core foundations of how people behave" and "ripping apart the social fabric." We know that we are "programmed," and the fact that Chamath even goes as far to mention that he does not let his kids "use that s**t" is just further confirmation of how individually addicted we are. 

Be honest, if you heard this news somewhere online, you thought about shutting it all down and starting a new life for two seconds, then reconsidered the idea because your ex would miss this weeks bar crawl photos or because that new outfit deserves "likes" and comments. We stay because we are deeply attached, and no amount of telling us how bad it is will deter us. Take that Mr. Chamath. 

The truth is the addiction does not stop with our social media feed, the dopamine fix from the attention has created a world in itself, and like any addict, our improvement will come at rock bottom.

The cliche rings true, Rome was not built in a day, and neither are our Facebook profiles. Overtime and with future revelations like Chamath, I hope that we make new decisions about how we operate online. It's not about should we use these sites that connect us to the world but how we use them. 

I'm still figuring it out myself. 

Watch Chamath Palihapitiya's full conversation at Stanford Business School

The Freedom to Pursue Purpose of Life

“As soon as you rise above mere survival, the question of meaning and purpose becomes of paramount importance in your life.” -- Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

I use this quote in the new book I'm writing but came here to discuss the implications of this statement for 1.3 billion people who live in extreme poverty in the world today. DoSomething.org states on their website in an article titled 11 Facts About Global Poverty, "nearly 1/2 of the world’s population — more than 3 billion people — live on less than $2.50 a day. More than 1.3 billion live in extreme poverty — less than $1.25 a day." The article also states, "805 million people worldwide do not have enough food to eat."

Do these individuals have room to pursue purpose of life? Do they have enough distance from their problems to see past human needs? 

No, based on Tolle's statement, they do not. 

Is this always the truth? We have all heard stories of people coming from absolutely nothing to make something out of themselves. The statement then hinges on the personal meaning of survival, some needing more than others.

My last observation is our belief here in America, our faith in capitalism. The individual always needs something more, new, or better. If we, Americans provided with so much opportunity, living on more than $2.50 a day, are always in pursuit of this kind of survival can we ever rise above merely "surviving" to find meaning and purpose?

Live In The Wonder

What does it mean to live amazed? In awe of the rising sun? In awe of growing children? In awe of metal planes that fly? Where has this amazement for life gone? 

When I spend even twenty-four hours away from social media, I rediscover things about myself that got lost in the noise. I believe the reason most of us can not see the beauty in life because we are overexposed. We have allowed ourselves to live quietly in the corners of other people's lives. There we are the judge and not the judged. A simple rule applies in this space, no harm, no problem. 

However, there is a problem, one that has grown under the skin. The issue that always arises when we choose to take the easy road; choosing to be bystanders to the lives of people near and far jade us. It creates lapses in our mind, spend more than fifteen minutes in someone's social feed, look up, and it feels as though the world has changed or at the least, that time is lost in a space that belongs to the curator. 

To live in the wonder means to go on a journey, being content with your view, and changing that which is changeable. 

Living in the wonder means that I know when to engage and disengage from that which darkens my soul. It means that I live more aware. The awareness of my faults and shortcomings have not come without a fight. In 2014, I had a social media addiction that was out of control. It hindered my writing, and I felt it could derail my life so much so that I addressed it, among other things, in a twelve step program here in Dallas. 

I was able to return to the wonder. 

The wonder for me now is serving my husband, being present for my friends, checking on my sisters who live far away, spending time with my mother, undisturbed and undistracted writing time, and working out because your girl enjoys a good sweat. 

The wonder can be found in the ordinary. 

This piece was originally posted on my stand alone blog at Blogger. 

What if you gave brave living a try?

I never thought about the dangers of bravery until I heard Kyle Steed, artist, and muralist, give a presentation about his work and the resistance one of his murals received. When telling people to live brave, I ask them to leave where they are, to change, and you and I know that change can be hard. It requires work, perseverance, humility,  and self-discipline. It also challenges current notions of identity, ways of thinking and firmly held beliefs. That is what Kyle's artwork encountered painted on a public space in Fort Worth.

Should then the artist, in my case, the writer, or the singer not ask? Not ask you and I, the receiver, to change, to be more, to leave established comfort zones? Of course not. Asking introduces new ways of thinking, and it produces ideas and innovation. It also makes us a more inclusive society. I'm sure Jonathan Haidt is shaking his head because, yes, sometimes "diversity can be divisive," but we should still try to move closer to communal oneness (click here to listen to Jonathan's interview with Krista Tippett on On Being). 

Asking my readers and those who show up to my book tour to be brave is asking them to be who they know they can be. At least that was the case in the story I heard from an older gentleman today named Lonzo. I'm sure Alonzo had no idea what he was getting into when he sat at the small circular table positioned directly behind my book signing set up. But what he received was two millennials, my husband and I, who love to engage strangers and encourage those who have turned their backs on their dreams for whatever reasons. Lonzo wants to be a singer. He has had the dream since he was young, and now as an old man, he sings in his Baptist Church's choir. But Lonzo wants more. He wants to create a life and provide for his wife with his vision. Lonzo merely is too "afraid" to go for it. After an hour of corralling, encouraging, and strategizing with Alonzo about the potential technology, especially Youtube held for him, he smiled and thanked us for the uplifting conversation. Who knows, we may have given Lonzo exactly when he needed.

The dangers of living brave are this, today you occupy a space in the world but you, like Alonzo, want more. More cannot be found in your comfort zone; it cannot be found in the habits of your today, it cannot be achieved through good intentions, it takes action. It takes an artist like Kyle, writers, poets, filmmakers, and teachers to challenge, ask, and reveal the flaws and potential. But you must be willing to look at that which disturbs, that which calls out, that which stirs you.

Engage that which disturbs. 

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS

A lot was said the past few days about taking a knee or standing for the national anthem. But it wasn't until Dallas local hero and news reporter, Dale Hansen and Jerry Jones, owner of "America's Team" made their final statements did the tone of my social feed start to change, or should I say disappear. 

The discourse on equality and justice is a test for us all on how we see ourselves and our position in the world. If you are publicly voicing your opinions based on your one-sided twitter timeline or taking points from your Facebook feed you are in big trouble. 

Why? Because as Jerry Jones told us and showed us,"this is his stage" and he does what he wants. Jones flipped the script so unashamedly by taking a knee that the supporters of standing for the flag were singing a new tune by breakfast. You are responsible for your thoughts and deleting your latest post because the owner of a football team took a different stance does not clean you from your choice words just one day before. 

Image SB Nation

Being responsible for your thoughts means studying your beliefs before joining a public debate. It means understanding why you feel the way you do and how it impacts your community and your followers. 

Being responsible means when you feel you've made a mistake deleting your argument is not the answer. Responsibility means you own up to your previous thought and why you argued it so loud, explaining to those you have demeaned that you have new information and you are open to a different discussion.

Being responsible means that you make lemons out of lemonade by using the president's divisive language as a stepping stone to discussion and deeper dialogue. 

I heard this phrase a while back from those who are involved in social work, "you want to be on the right side of history." Today, I understand what that means. I challenge you to leave behind your party beliefs, the beliefs of your parents and think like an informed citizen on the issues impacting the nation today. 

And Remember...

Will You Engage The Present?

If you close your eyes what do you see? Open them. Now, close them again only this time squeeze them close. Open them. Close them. Now, open. What you are seeing is not a dream. You are witnessing America fall apart at the seams under the guise of fear, power and perceived ownership. 

Fear of the future, of the unknown, of self. 

Power in favor of those that have it, desire it, and use it for dubious ends. 

Ownership of a country that was murderously stolen from a group of people and worked by individuals perceived as disposable. 

It's no wonder that with your eyes closed tight as possible you still see it; you see a history not yet reconciled and a battle for a better future. 

You could close your eyes, or you could open them, take a deep breath and prepare yourself for what needs to be done.

You are apart of the solution. Will you engage the present? 

Why “Not Caring” Is Hard

If you read through the comments section on Amazon for Mark Manson’s breakout hit, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k you will see that many of us spend too much time caring about what other people think of us.

We can’t help it.

“Caring too much” is in our DNA and Mark wittily explains why you should give less f**s and the power you gain in doing so.

But why do we care so much about what other people think about our lives anyway?

They, of course, are not and have not lived our experiences, shared our pain, or walked where we have been. Why do we care so much what other people think of us especially when the people we use to gauge our progress are just trying to get on with life, same as us?

I once heard a friend attribute her social media addiction to gauging whether her life has ended up better off than her exes and friends. Here again, the cycle of trying not to care but caring too much continues because we fail to realize that the human experience is a common experience.

No problem, situation, or shortfall is new under the sun, the Good Book says.

Manson argues that it's not that we should not care at all, that's called apathy, but that we should care or give f***s about the right things: family, our aspirations, community, love, our well-being.

Do we care too much out of boredom or the same reason we watch reality television -- for the drama and spectacle of it all? Do we care too much out of habit or because high school conditioned us for the daily practice?

Do we care too much about other people's opinions of us out of fear or because we have forgotten how to hear our voice? The voice that says we are unique in every way. The voice that whispers when we remember to find our breath.

I believe we are afraid to care less because we want to know if others can see the deepest fears we have about ourselves.

What if you owned your fears? Adressed them all? Lined them up one-by-one and laid waste to them like they do in karate movies. 

You would care less.  

What To Do When You Are Afraid

Hide. 

This answer satisfied the younger me. The young girl who shared a bedroom for most her life because being born a triplet there was never quite enough space. Even after I got my own room, my sisters and I used to sleep in the doorway of our bedrooms with the bathroom light on. We were scared of whatever we imagined existed in the dark when we were alone. 

But when you have no doorway to sleep in and no bathroom light to keep on what do you do when you are afraid?

Your natural tendency may be to find the nearest exit, immerse your feelings in doubt and worry, or to place blame. But these solutions are temporary escapes, and your fears meet you at the door when you are ready to come home. Just as I had to learn to sleep in the dark alone if I wanted to keep my own room you must stare down your fear if you’re ever going to move past it. 

Remember, there were never any monsters. The boogie man under your bed was not real. You and I may have avoided stepping on the carpet in the dark or peering under the bed, but today we know all of it was in our heads. It was apart of our imaginations, which means you have the power to make the scary thing disappear. All I had to do was make sleeping alone a habit, look into to the dark and see nothing. 

As a result, I got to keep my own room, and it became a place to call my own. 

That is what we gain when we face our fears: a place to call home. Fear tries to crowd your mind, limit your dreams, and determine your destiny but if you can conquer it, you gain the world. You acquire a bold future. Have the hard conversation, tell that person you love them, fight for your marriage, and champion your dreams. 

When you are afraid to look towards the light, lean into the fear that seeks to consume you and stand firm.

What is Women's Empowerment?

Is not wearing makeup women's empowerment? 

Is Oprah's checkbook women's empowerment?

Is Miley Cyrus's twerking women's empowerment?  

Is Ivanka Trump's position in the White House women's empowerment?

Is Kim K's embrace of her sexuality women's empowerment?

Photo Credit: Tim Gouw

Is Maya Angelou's strong and passionate spoken word women's empowerment?

Is not shaving your legs women's empowerment?

Is power posing women's empowerment?

Is having children women's empowerment?

photo credit: Eunice Lituañas

What is women's empowerment today and how should we define it? 

The Power of Believing It’s Already Done

My husband and I had an in-depth conversation over the weekend on the topic of manifestation, goals, and the belief that the things we want in our lives have already been accomplished. Portions of the idea are based on biblical principles, but also reflected in new age teachings like The Secret. I sought to take it a step further and combine The Secret (manifestation) way of thinking parallel to my belief that our lives are already worked out or predestined (biblical principle). 

In his usual fashion, my husband went to a power point presentation complete with graphs and a chart. He felt inclined to give full visual context to our discussion. 

THE QUESTION

My question, once we fully understand that our lives are predestined, how do we live like what we desire is already done? 

I believe we simply need faith or right believing. I also wanted to explore what action is required on our part to live out that belief. Meaning if it is already done, is there action, if any, required on my part? 

Again, how I clarify ‘it's already done’ thinking, you and I will sit in a chair with the full belief that the chair will hold us up. We sit down with no hesitation or view otherwise. ‘It's already done’ thinking says that the chair is stable, so in full faith, I sit. The action on my part is sitting; the outcome (the chair holding me) is already taken care of so my action is performed out of faith. 

THE REASONING

Cue the graphs and Starbucks analogy. 

In my husband's example, if my goal is a new job, a million bucks or a Starbucks coffee, my belief is that when I get to Starbucks, I will get what I need: coffee, Frap, etc. I have no doubt, full of faith that coffee will be available at the coffee shop. How I live my life, and the action that follows to achieve that goal is in line with my belief so what I need to is leave my bed, get dressed, brush my teeth, get in my car, walk into Starbucks and order. 

AN ANSWER

What I rediscovered in this analogy is the clarity, and the focus of our goals is essential to our belief that 'it is already done.' We must act in a manner in line with our thinking and by leaving out any step in the process voids the outcome. 

This is why our daily habits matter and why the small things matter. If I don’t leave my house, how will I get to Starbucks? If I don’t drive to the location how will I get what I need? If I don’t walk in and order I will never achieve the overall goal. 

The rub, if any step in the process is overlooked as a small or insignificant detail, I will not reach my end objective. I also think by leaving out any steps in the process questions your faith in achieving your goal. 

What I determined is that yes, we can manifest our destinies with the belief that the things we want and desire have already been worked out, in essence, they are already done. We, however, must act in a way that confirms our faith or belief in that end goal by doing the little and big things that put us on the path toward actualization. 

We must sit. 

What are your thoughts? 

How Not to Be Used

I realize with this current administration how important and powerful it is to stay positive and do the work. If you are like me, you want so badly to join the talk, jokes, and rants against this president and his cabinet. I could post comments, long essays, and Twitter rants that would destroy him, at least in my mind. I could personally attack his children, wife, and upbringing. I could meme the heck out of him, but what would be the point to it all? What would I gain? What do I achieve by spending hours of my day fuming? 

There is a better way. 

You are the better way. I am the better way. Our goals, originality, and authenticity when we are playing to our strengths is the better way to combat this crazy time in history. 

The key is not to get used. 

I scribbled this short phrase on my wrist this morning as a reminder that the moment I start complaining about the president and the state of the world I’m done. I'm playing myself in every sense of the word. I am focusing my energy in the wrong direction. 

Today, you and I are forced to reckon with ourselves. We are forced to look in the mirror and own up to the fact that the state of the world is a distraction and an excuse to put our work off until things get better. The truth is that you are the better. You and I are what turn this thing around. This horror movie can’t last forever so we need to prepare ourselves for the ride back up. 

The best way not to get used is by not forgetting your mission. Remember why you started and count your hard work as something. It can be easy to say “what’s the point to all this hard work” when the Kardashians are getting rich off their backsides, but again what is the point in that? You have something to say, so keep saying it until people take notice. Keep speaking your truth until your message is so refined and your voice is so loud that people can’t help but take notice. How can light on a hill not be seen? 

Don’t get used. 

What I mean when I say “Black Lives Matter”

There seems to be ongoing misunderstanding regarding this unfortunate commonly used phrase. 

I'm not sure what the misunderstanding is. 

After the verdict in the Philando Castile case, I shared this graphic with a comment on Instagram. 

i can't wait until the world feels comfortable with this statement to proclaim its truth, Black Lives Matter. Inform yourself. #PhilandoCastile

A post shared by earlina green hamilton (@earlinagreen) on Jun 16, 2017 at 6:55pm PDT

For the most part, the post was well received with over 100 likes, but I received one comment stating, “red, yellow, black and white we are precious in Gods sight. ALL LIVES MATTER.” 

DELETE. 

I deleted the comment because I believe that one misguided comment usually encourages more. I will try not to make it a habit.

Yes, we are all precious in God's sight, however, here on earth, we are killing each other. 

I want to understand how someone can say “all lives matter” in the case of Philando Castile? Did you see the video? Did you read the officer's court testimony?

What am I missing? 

I will say this on record, when I or someone says “black lives matter” it does not mean all lives don’t matter and because you or anyone may take this personally, let me say this, it doesn't mean your life does not matter. YOU, you in all your glory of course matter! 

You matter. That is why you still have your life. You are alive to go out into the world and matter.  

Philando Castile's life matters as well. He, however, lost his life in the most outrageous of ways. His life, the life of Eric Garner, Sandra Bland and other lives taken so haphazardly, happen to be black and brown, so in these cases, as a reminder that we are unwilling to relive our shared history, BLACK LIVES MATTER. 

I say this in complete respect of how you spend your days and nights, the business of life and circumstance: educate yourself on the world around you. Educate yourself on the beliefs you hold close. Removed from your politics, you will see that there is a lot of crap going on. 

My Fear of Flying

Yes, I will admit it, I am one of those people who loves to travel but hates to fly. Why? No control, tin can flying, gravity. Any further explanation? 

The routine, stalk the flight stewardess up and down the aisles once the seat belt sign goes off for a gin and tonic or wine. I usually ask for two after being told that it's against policy. A confident smile and brief dialogue about how you are trying not to freak out during the flight is imperative to getting the second drink. 

The 13-hour flight to Japan was no exception, and my husband spared me no mercy by having us fly to Canada and then on to Japan, having to endure landing and takeoff twice. Sheesh! 

I call myself a Christian and am someone who practices meditation, I should be able to handle myself during an extended plane ride. Wrong! The big man knows my fears and I am sure he is ready with popcorn for the show and praise worship I put on before a flight. 

As the flight takes off, I start my breathing exercises, close my eyes, and concentrate on the positives things in my life. With my eyes closed all I can see is the plane crashing. Not vividly, just in the back of my thoughts after the fifth or sixth breath. It's the idea that when you try not to think of something you think of it anyways. 

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. 

After some light turbulence, the plane lands fine and I am embarrassed because of the show I put on. 

The takeaway, do what scares the pants off you. Do it over and over again. 

afternoon conversations